As I mentioned before, I read and reread In Search of Adam by Caroline Smailes within about six weeks. That is a first for me, as I am not much of a re-reader in general. And if I do reread a book, the timespan between read and reread is a lot larger (think at least a year) than just a few weeks. There are too many good unread books out there waiting for me.

But after reading In Search of Adam the first time, I couldn’t get myself to write about it just yet. I needed to think some more. And then I felt like I needed to read the book again. And it is not unlikely that I will read it a third time some time. There is something that draws me back to the book, I don’t know what it is. I feel like I have only scratched the surface. There is still a lot left to discover and think about. That is probably also the reason why this review might come across as somewhat chaotic.

The main character of the book is Jude Williams, who is “six years, four months and two days old” at the beginning of the book. She lives in a closeknit workingclass neighborhood on the English coast where gossip rules. At the start of the book, Jude finds her mother lying on the bed. She has committed suicide and left a note for Jude that she has gone in search of Adam. Jude has no idea who or what Adam is. This is not all Jude has to deal with: she is also a victim of child abuse. The search for Adam, learning about the family secret connected with him and dealing with the abuse, about which Jude is unable to tell anyone, define Jude’s life.

The book is told from Jude’s perspective, we are inside her head throughout most of the book. The only part that is not told from Jude’s perspective, is her mother’s diary. But even that we read together with Jude, at the moment that she is reading it. We see the world in which Jude lives from her perspective, with all the limitations in use of language and understanding that a child has. What I loved about this book, is the way typography and sentence structure are used to express the urgency of Jude’s thoughts, Jude’s need for order and regularity and her efforts to try to understand and get a grip on things she sees and hears around her.

I tried to write about this book without giving away spoilers, but that is too hard, so if you want to read this book, you might not want to read the next two paragraphs.

***** WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD! *****

As I said, there is a lot left to think about, especially about the three main characters Jude, her father and her mother (even though her mother is technically not a character in the book as she is dead already on page 1, I still consider her one of the main characters). Jude’s father, for example, comes across as a rather unlikable person during most of the book: he beats Jude, doesn’t seem to care much about her. However, as I read the part where he tells Jude his side of the story, I started to feel sorry for him in a way, because he had obviously been incapable of dealing with the death of his wife and especially with what preceded her suicide. But even with that knowledge there is no way I can condone the way he treats his daughter, though it makes it easier to understand why. His daughter reminded him too much of his deceased wife and of what happened in the years before she died.

One of the things that escaped me the first time, but that sort of jumped out at me upon rereading are the parallels between Jude and her mother. Both are addicted, one to alcohol, the other to food. They both chose the same way to die, a pregnancy plays a part in both decisions to die (though in different way). Both see these “pregnancy-events” (Sorry for the funny language. I’m trying to give away as little as possible!) as a “a sign from Adam”.

***** END OF SPOILERS *****

Even though I obviously knew the ending the second time I read the book, it still came as a surprise. All of a sudden I found myself on the last page. And once I had finished the book, I again found myself needing some time to readjust to the world around me.

This is without a doubt one of the best books I have read this year. I do recommend this book very much, but I can also see that it is not for everyone. You have to be prepared to deal with the subject. If you are, then be prepared for an unsettling read and a book that is going to stay with you for some time. There is so much more I’d want to write about In Search of Adam and I haven’t really been able to sort my thoughts out. I am actually still not sure what I really think of the book. To say “I loved it” or “I enjoyed it” is true on the one hand, but on the other it seems wrong: it is not a book to “love” or “enjoy” because of the subject.

In Search for Adam is Caroline Smailes‘ first novel and what a debut! I hope it is not going to be her last book, as I am certainly looking forward for more.